Pica.

A few weeks ago I was in the shower when I looked down at my white bar of Dove soap and had the weirdest feeling that I wanted to eat it.  I imagined sinking my teeth deep into the bar and then biting off a piece to chew slowly in between my teeth.  I could almost feel the soap in my mouth and I wanted so badly to feel its texture on my tongue, and especially between my teeth.  

After daydreaming about soap for a few minutes, I realized that what I was thinking was totally weird and I told my brain to move on to something else.

But, it kept happening.  And not just with soap.  I wanted to eat detergent, rocks, and cleaning solutions of every kind.  Every day the thoughts would come even more regularly.  I finally told Matt about it.  His reply was hilarious: “Oh, sweetie... we should call the doctor about that”.  My "condition" became the subject of family jokes at our Lewis get together last week while my parents were in town.  A few of my cousins and my aunts mentioned that what I was experiencing was called Pica. Just this morning, as I was craving detergent again, I looked up a definition:

Pica is characterized by an appetite for substances largely non-nutritive (such as clay or chalk).  For these actions to be considered pica, they must persist for more than one month at an age where eating such objects is considered developmentally inappropriate. There are different variations of pica, as it can be from a cultural tradition, acquired taste or a neurological mechanism such as an iron deficiency or chemical imbalance. Stressors such as maternal deprivation, family issues, parental neglect, pregnancy, poverty, and a disorganized family structure are strongly linked to pica. Pica is more commonly seen in women and children.  Particularly it is seen in pregnant women, small children, and those with developmental disabilities such as autism.

Thanks Wikipedia.  Anyway, I’m thinking I’ll finally call the doctor today or maybe sometime this week to see what the situation is.  In the meantime, it’s pretty funny stuff.  While I’m doing laundry, and wanting so badly to just pour a handful of detergent down my throat, I have to remind myself that:

-people don’t eat detergent
-eating detergent will make you sick
-you’ll probably regret it when you do

Course, my Grandma Lewis did mention that I could go outside, grab a rock, wash it off, and just suck on it for a while.  She ate dirt when she had Pica growing up, and she’s doing fine.  We’ll see how it goes.

College degree: Check.

Last Friday I graduated. It felt good. Before graduation week, I was super iffy about attending Convocation and Commencement, mostly because it sounded incredibly boring. Well, it was. Incredibly boring, that is. And I could've done without all the standing and walking because of my seven month preg-ality, but having family there to support me was worth all the drawn-out, boring graduation talks and horrid graduation apparel. Totally worth it.

 I was really proud of myself that day. And I was proud of Matt and I. I really felt like we were officially grown-ups that were responsible and prepared for the future. I felt proud that I could make my parents and grandparents proud. That’s something that is really important to the inner-me. I thrive on being accepted and understood by those around me, especially family-- one of my many “blue” traits (sometimes a blessing, other times a curse:) But it meant a great deal to know they were proud of something I had achieved. And I was glad that something I had done could bring them joy.

When I walked in to the graduation ceremony, I looked up in the stands and saw my Matty just waving at me like a little cutie. I got emotional thinking back over these past two semesters specifically and all that he did to help me get to this point. He made my lunch almost everyday for school. He helped me get out of bed and get me showered and ready for the day (especially during that first trimester when I didn’t even have strength to brush my own hair. He did it all.). He was patient with my crabby days, which came fairly regularly. He gave me pep-talk after pep-talk about how I needed to take things “one day at a time”, and how “everything would work out”. Some of the most meaningful moments were those when he’d give me a Priesthood blessing to help me handle it all, or feel better, or sleep well, etc. I honestly felt like he should have been up there with me to walk across the stage and accept my diploma.

The bump.

Matt took this photo about a month and a half ago. That tells you something about my “size” now:) I don’t know why, but I’m not really one of those “take a picture of me week by week to show my growing womb” kind of pregnant ladies. The first two trimesters slipped by like a fox and now, here I am, in my third trimester, just wondering how I got here so quick. And I have one picture to show for it. Maybe we’ll take a second one. Maybe.

Matt’s been such a peach about all of my shenanigans during pregnancy. I really don’t know how he does it, I’d of bailed out months ago living with someone like me:) I’ve felt pretty guilty about how little weight I’ve been able to carry for our family these last several months. Even now, being out of school, I had all these plans (listed on this gargantuan to do list that made me oh so proud), but since I’ve hit my third trimester I am feeling sick again. Nausea, major back pain, heartburn, and other ailments that can’t really be written about:) So my daily to do list doesn’t get near as much attention as I feel like it should. I just can’t really do much. And I need to be okay with that, but as of right now I just feel bummish. My inner self thrives on being productive and letting go of that for the time being is much harder than I ever would have imagined. But Matt reminds me that we’re a team. We work together to move our family forward and it doesn’t matter who ends up doing “more” because we’re teammates. We work together and both share in the reward.

When I sit back and think about all the blessings the Lord has poured out upon me lately, all the other little frustrations seems to slip away, and I’m left with just GRATITUDE. Gratitude for a healthy baby, gratitude for an understanding husband, gratitude for a supportive family, gratitude for my upcoming graduation,... just a lot of gratitude.

Don't be a fool, finish school.

first student teaching assignment: Geneva Elementary, Kindergarten

second student teaching assignment: Bonneville Elementary, first grade

Throughout my pregnancy, I have thought over and over and over again about just dropping out. Just not showing up. Not doing the work. Not getting the grade. Just, dropping out completely. Some days it actually seemed to make sense for my health to be “done” with school. But, as Matt and I would talk, and as we would recall Heavenly Father pushing us to start a family NOW, while I was finishing up school, we just knew that somehow it would all work out. We knew He would help us.

And He did. I’ve never felt the Lord closer than I did during this school semester. I’ve never felt more reliant on Him to help me get through a typical school day. Now, at the close of this semester, I look back and I can honestly say that Heavenly Father brought me here. He carried me. I would pray, and He would step in immediately. Every time. He never missed a beat. I would be seconds away from needing to run out the door, feeling sick as a dog, and somehow still make it to school, fulfill my responsibilities, and everything was fine. It’s been incredible to see His hand.

I know that He is invested in our lives-- He wants us to succeed, to accomplish much, to be proud, to find joy in achievement. He wants the world for us because He thinks the world of us. He’s such a great DAD.

Trimester Number Two.

After a few months of the sickies, Matt and I discovered a wonder drug for nausea: Zofran. I don’t know how I ever lived without it. This medication allowed me to have an enjoyable Christmas break with my sweet family, as well as make it through my student teaching Winter semester. I love modern medicine.

The second trimester brought on its own set of interesting happenings within me. Heartburn, constipation, and lower back pain-- all of which I would take any day over feeling nauseous. As my stomach grew, I started to realize that I really was pregnant, not just sickly. I had a little person growing inside me, counting on me to provide the best possible living space.

Early on in my pregnancy, Matt and I both “had a feeling” our little one was a girl. I started to believe this was mother’s intuition. Matt and I both became so convinced, the only names we thought of were girl names. We both about died laughing when our ultrasound lady pointed to our son’s perfectly formed wee-wee and said, “Do you guys know what this is?” Hilarious. It took a while to change our thinking from pink to blue, but now that it’s been months since the news, it feels only natural that our baby is a boy, and that it was always supposed to be that way.

The ultrasound lady told me that I should be feeling the baby kick any day now. In the days following, I thought I would feel something here and there but I wasn’t sure. After about a week, I started to recognize what was indubitably the movement of our baby boy. He is super active, changing positions what feels like every hour. He likes to pretend mom’s bladder is a trampoline, something that I especially appreciate when I am in no way near a bathroom. He also loves to hear Matt’s voice. Matt puts his face up to my tummy and talks to our little guy often. When he does so, baby boy taps against his nose like he’s sending morse code through the uterine wall. Matt tells him to be nice to me that day, to “have fun in there”, to grow big and strong, and that we miss him.

I’m getting to that point. Both Matt and I are. We feel like this baby is really ours, and always was. Because of that, we just want him here already. We miss him.

Trimester Number One.

My first trimester is a blur to me now. But while I was in it, I truly felt that it was the most difficult thing I had ever experienced up to that point in my life. The sickness hit me pretty early and pretty hard. You hear growing up that when you’re pregnant, you feel “nauseous”. Before becoming pregnant I related this to times in my life when I felt nauseous, and then occasionally vomited. I thought to myself, “Yeah, it’s no fun, but it’s definitely bearable”. What I hadn’t really prepared for was how constant and relentless the nausea was. I was nauseous from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed (I was sure to take some hefty sleeping pills to ensure I could sleep through the nausea and get a good night’s rest regardless). Vomiting a few times a day came as an incredible relief.

Being flat in bed, there were few positions that helped tame the nausea. Even the slightest movement sometimes would aggravate my stomach. Eating was such a chore. I knew I needed to eat (yano, to live), but finding something that didn’t make me gag just thinking about it was difficult and sometimes impossible. Mealtime went a little like this:

1. Matt would suggest a number of options to me.
2. I would go through each option, imagining what that food item would taste like sliding down my throat (that process usually narrowed my options quite a bit).
3. After deciding what to eat, Matt would either prepare it, buy it, or get it through the drive through.
4. Finally, the true test came: Would the smell of it all be too much for me?

I was in school during this period. I was in a classroom setting from Monday-Wednesday all day, then Thursday & Friday I had classes. I would get up in the mornings and take a shower. Most mornings I didn’t have the strength to stand so I would sit in the tub. Matt would help me shower on really, really rough days. I didn’t wear makeup, and I couldn’t even tell you what I wore during those few months. I looked like death, which worked out because I felt like death as well.

Everyday, when I came home and went straight to bed, I just lay there in bed thinking, “What am I doing wrong?”... “Isn’t this supposed to be the happiest period of my married life?”... “I know so many wonderful people who would die to be pregnant, why can’t I be more happy about all of this?” I would complain in my mind or out loud and then feel horribly guilty afterward. I didn’t feel like a strong, capable woman at all. I felt so weak and useless. I felt ungrateful and unworthy of this wonderful blessing. And I was scared to death of feeling sick for nine months straight. I didn’t feel that I would be able to handle it all if that were to be the case.

Positive as can be.

I decided to listen this time around. I had my answer, and whether or not it made complete sense to me was irrelevant. I’ve seen over and over and over again how turning my life over to my Father in Heaven is really the smartest way to go. He can make more of my life than I can.

Matt and I were blessed beyond blessed to get pregnant right away. As I’ve become more aware of all those around me, I now more fully realize what a miracle this really is. There are countless women everywhere, more deserving and desirous, that are unable to experience this blessing.

I had taken a few pregnancy tests throughout the week because I “had a feeling”. All of them came out negative. I decided to give it one more go later on in the week-- after all, there was one test left. I took the test. When I saw the positive sign, I was in complete shock. Matt and I were thrilled. We shared a special moment together as we contemplated briefly what this meant for our lives. Of course, we had absolutely no idea what was ahead of us, but we felt an over surging joy that we will never forget.

I called my parents immediately. I’m the worst at keeping secrets. They were asleep (it was close to midnight their time). My dad answered the phone about 7 rings in. He was completely out of it, but I blurted the news to him anyway. He handed the phone to my mom (also very out of it), and I shared with her the exciting news.

I kind of floated around for the next few days. I couldn’t sleep. I woke up constantly, feeling my stomach, and trying to remember whether or not this was reality or just a dream. It’s funny to think of both Matt and I then. We were and still are so very clueless. In so many ways, I feel like I’m still a kid and that having a baby is only what grown-ups do. Then I remember I’m there. I’m a grown-up. I’m at that point. And I’m having a baby.

Crabbies to Comfort.

GOD'S THREE ANSWERS TO YOUR PRAYERS:
1. Yes.
2. Not yet.
3. I have something better in mind.

During my case of the crabbies, I turned to Matt for help. He’s got this very calm, wise way about him. I’m always put at ease by the sound of his voice and by the counsel he gives. We had an ongoing discussion for probably about a week, trying to figure out what was next for us.

My thoughts on starting a family had always been thus: Accomplish those things you can only do as a couple first because afterward it would be difficult to find the time and money and, if you’re old by that point, the strength. So my mindset was that if this Africa, or Italy, or China trip didn’t happen NOW... it wouldn’t ever happen. And, I have had such strong feelings that my work in some of these countries is not yet finished. So logically, how could it work to change the order of it all?

The following are some notes from a family counsel Matt and I shared together during this time of decision-making (It was written by Matt, hence the correct grammar and large word usage):

In light of our recent thoughts and ideas about the timing of our life’s events (specifically service abroad versus beginning our little family) Christine and I decided to sit down and talk about it and pray about it. After beginning with prayer, we did our best to search it out in our minds before taking a decision to the Lord. We both prayed individually about the decisions we had come up with in our own minds. We felt that though both desires were good and righteous, and that either course of action would have been acceptable to the Lord, the course of action more closely aligned with the Lord’s will was that we begin our family immediately. Stating that decision out loud invited the Spirit so strongly that tears came to our eyes. We know that if the Lord would have us serve His children abroad, He will provide such opportunities. For now, we will move forward with obeying the commandment “to multiply and replenish the earth,” trusting that the Lord will make known to us joys and blessings that we can’t even yet fully comprehend. We are excited to start this new chapter of our lives. We know that this is the path that we are to be on!

So that was that. We had decided!.... And yet, unfortunately, I wavered quite a bit. I had a hard time with the decision. Faith is a difficult principle for me-- I’ll be the first to admit it. I tend to second-guess some of the answers/ feelings I get, and I wish I didn’t. But, going into the October 2011 Conference, I planned to receive that final confirmation. I knew that I needed it. The Lord knew that I needed it. And He gave it to me here.

Search, Ponder, Pray, Repeat.

I have returned.

After months and months of absence, I’m finally back to talk about what I’ve been up to. And boy has it been something. Let’s see... where to begin... I’ll start in late Summer, early Fall semester 2011. Matt and I had begun talking about what we would “do” when I graduated. We figured with my being done with school, and him taking off Spring and Summer semester, we could kind of escape Provo for a few months. I imagined Summer 2012 being this magical time where Matt and I would meander off into the world and share experiences together that would prepare us even more so for our future life.

Daily, almost hourly, my mind was filled with thoughts of traveling abroad to Africa..... to China.... to Italy.... to South America!! AHHHHH!!! I daydreamed about the people we would meet, the things we would do to make a difference in their lives, and the lessons that we would learn from them while doing so. Every spare minute was spent glued to the computer screen, researching programs that sent married couples abroad at a small expense (yeah, there aren’t many). It was an exciting time for me because I truly felt like this was the next step for Matt and I.

I was 100% driven (and I’m kind of scary when I get like that). I was determined to make a plan and nothing was getting in my way. Since college, I’ve had this inner push to do things that will matter, to do things that are important and meaningful not only for myself but for those around me as well. I felt that this push combined with some serious prayer and contemplation would lead me to the perfect program.

And yet it didn’t really go that way at all. It didn’t really go anywhere. It went kind of like this: I found a program, prayed about it, felt pretty good, and started moving forward. And then it fell through. So, I chose another program in another country, prayed about it, felt pretty good, and started moving forward. That fell through as well. This happened at least two more times before I started to feel some serious frustration with the matter. I was going about this decision in the same way I had gone about all the big decisions up to that point in my life. Making a choice. Praying about it. Moving forward, etc. But, I wasn’t experiencing what I was used to experiencing. Things kept falling through. I was confused about the whole thing. Upset, even, that something that could be so influential and wonderful, didn’t seem to be in the plan afterall. HIS plan, that is.

I ached to go abroad again. Since my mission, Africa has been this dream land for me. I met and taught a number of African people on my mission and the connection I felt with them was so powerful, I knew I wanted to be there, with them... somehow. Remembering that feeling, and then having this perfect time slot, and the perfect program in front of me... and then having all of it fall through was so disheartening. I had a hard time with it. I didn’t understand what Heavenly Father was trying to tell me. And worst of all, I didn’t have a PLAN. Urgh, I hate not having a plan. I knew He knew how it would all go down eventually, but I also knew Heavenly Father’s timing was not my own so I had no idea when He would let me in on it all. So yes, I’ll be honest, sometimes I gave Him the silent treatment because of it (I’m sure He’s somewhat used to that though, He’s got a lot of daughters).

george is a saint.

party hardy--- was what we did in st. george.

matt and i spent 4 1/2 days up in st. george as a, "yay you finished summer term!" celebration. martha, bradley, and cj joined us for a day and a half. and the rest of the time, matt and i just...

R . E . L . A . X . E . D

george, we appreciate you. more than you know. you truly are A SAINT...

service: the best exercise for the heart ever prescribed.

my mission gave me an incredible insight into MYSELF.

I AM HAPPIEST WHEN I'M SERVING.

the opposite can be said if i'm spending a little too much time thinking about ME, i'm just NOT very happy.

my Father in Heaven has blessed me to be "feeling myself" again lately. i'm so blessed. which only means one thing: time to give back.

one thing i've learned about Heavenly Father is that he honors righteous desires. when i pray to have opportunities to serve, i have them. ALWAYS.

a couple of weeks ago i was blessed with an experience that made me feel like a missionary again. and i loved it.

matt and i went to the BYU post office to mail a package. when we arrived, we noticed the door was closed and locked-- bummer. in looking around, we saw a lady waiting near the doors and we decided to ask her if she knew when the post office would be open again. she didn't know either. but we got to talking...


i asked her, "where are you sending your package?". "to the MTC", she said. "oh how neat! do you have a missionary there?"... "yes, my son". "oh how wonderful-- where's he going to serve?".... the conversation continued. we soon learned that this woman had traveled from Salt Lake to send her missionary son a package of fresh bread and nutella. she kept telling us, "he's been wanting this for so long!". she was the epitome of a proud missionary mom. she talked to us about all that he was learning and how much his testimony had grown. and her bread and nutella was her "i love you" to him before he headed out into the mission field a few days later. the BYU post office was her only bet in getting it to him before the bread went bad. and it was closed. and he was leaving in 2 days for the mission field.

do you ever have the feeling that you are exactly where Heavenly Father wants you to be, and there's a reason for it? i LOVE that feeling. i LIVE for that feeling. it's a feeling i had daily in the mission field and one that i feel i've had to work even harder for since being home. but it comes when we pray... we tell Heavenly Father we want to help HIM, and you better believe He's all about it.

so we start to brainstorm. me, matt, and sister Paéz. the only information she had about her son was his mailbox number and his departure date. our situation was that even if i were able to sneak the bread/ nutella in, how in the world would I find him? he was learning spanish so i thought i'd call Bradley to see if he had any idea where we could find Elder Paez. Of all the spanish districts and zones, Elder Paez just happened (haha) to be in Bradley's teaching zone. so the impossible all of a sudden became possible. matt and i took the package from her and planned to have Bradley pick it up and take it to the MTC with him that night and deliver it to Elder Paez.

the cherry on top of this experience was Sister Paez' reaction when it all worked out. with tears in her eyes and after 15 thank you's and 5 hugs, she gave matt and i some of the sweetest marriage advice i've ever heard... "be careful.... and stay together".
Heavenly Father is a master at multi-tasking. He leads his children into each other's paths and makes it so that each party is blessed, made happier and lighter, and leaves with an increased knowledge of His love for THE ONE.

firpst annibersary.

well folks, we've arrived at our year mark. we are now experts on everything marriage. mahah.

first year accomplishments are as follows:

1. we've managed to create our own language that we use 84% of the time in speaking to each other. it scares other people, so we try and only use it in the confines of our own home.
2. we've gone from months and months sleeping on an air mattress to now sleeping on a normal bed like normal human beings.
3. we painted our table blue.
4. we've consumed more mcdonalds and wendy's than anyone should ever consume in a year's time. and as a result, i've become a bit more of a chubby chubberson and matt... well,... matt is the still the same.
5. we can read each other really well now. matt knows what it means for christine to be crabby and when she needs a backrub, and christine knows when he needs some relaxy time to program or just to talk about one of his new dreams/ ideas.
6. we've learned just how important it is to stay close, keep the Spirit, say sorry, and pick our battles. Satan works hard on this thing called marriage, but i'm afraid he's out of luck with us two.
7. prayer, scriptures, and fhe= success.
8. we've seen each other at our lowest lows. yipes. but that has just made us love each other harder.
9. saying "i love you" never gets old.
10. marriage is fragile-- so be sure to kiss a lot, slow dance, tell secrets, tell the other they're hot, and speak kindly and gently.


today has been a day like most others. we had a "family dance": this ritual consists of matt and i turning on our favorite tunes and dancing around the house. we turned on the song that was played at our reception one year ago today, "Sing With Me" by my matt. we held each other and slow danced. matt said, "let's be together forever, okay?"... i said, "sounds like a plan, stan".

we plan on going out to eat at our favorite italian restaurant later this evening: gloria's little italy. this place is heaven on earth. in our mouths. it's so good you almost (.... ALMOST) don't realize that with every bite of ravioli, you're getting poorer and poorer (we did the math one time... each ravioli with cheese is like $3 bucks... how wonderful).

here's a note i received from my sweet husband just minutes ago--

Dear Christine,

It’s hard to believe that an entire year has passed since we were sealed for time and all eternity. That day marks a turning point in our lives that leads directly to God and the eternal happiness He enjoys. You are the single greatest blessing of my life. My heart fills to the brim as I reflect on our experiences and the choices we have made during this last year that have brought us closer. You may not fully understand, due to the impossibility of expressing such a thing using words, what you are for me. You are my emotional support, my companion, my conduit through which I most often experience Heavenly Father’s love, my best friend, my soul mate, my rock… my sure.

We’ve spent one wonderful year together. It has been a year of learning and growing as we’ve communicated on deep levels and shared sacred experiences. The thought that this process will continue on throughout our lives and after brings great joy to my heart. I feel as though you are not merely the person with whom I share a deep connection, but rather that you are in fact a part of me; you are the best part of me.

I love you for who you are, for who you’ve chosen to be. I am humbled and honored that our Father saw fit to give me such a gift as you. He knows how to give His children good gifts, and He knows that you are the greatest gift that I could have ever been given, aside only from the Gift of His Son. I thank Him for you, especially as I reflect on the beautiful experiences we shared one year ago in His temple.

I can’t wait to share the rest of our lives together and continue down the path we have established for ourselves. Thank you for being my everything.

I love you. Forever.

-Matthew

i know i get to be with this wonderful person i call my husband for time and all eternity. i know it's possible through Jesus Christ. what a miracle. what a blessing.

new guilty pleasure= decorating.

i used to make fun of people who worried about what their home looked like. now look at me. i'm a mess. but i can't stop. it's oh so much fun.

leather chair: $50 on KSL (regularly $250)
foot stool: $10 at Ross

globe: $10 at D.I.
side table: $12 at Ross

Shelf: given to us by family; stain: $12

chair: given to us by family; paint-- $12
cushion for matt's bum: $6 at walmart

table and chairs: given to us by family; paint-- $12
vase and flower: $2 at D.I.

happy happenings.

it's 1:03 in the afternoon and matt and i still have bed-head. what does that tell you? man, i love fridays.

what's new?

-i'm growing out my bangs as of late so my hair is struggling something fierce. those "in-between" hair-styles are so special. wish me luck-- i'm worried i'll just get so frustrated that i'll cut them back again and then be back at square-one.

-matt and my skin is so pasty-white from staying in our cave (aka. apartment) pretty much all summer. so i'm finally caving and getting a tanning pass. seems silly because the SUN is free, but it must be done. drastic whiteness calls for drastic tanning.

-a few evenings ago we attended the OWL CITY CONCERT. was it incredible? yes. did it blow my mind? yes. was it incredibly stinky? yes.--so, we go downtown to "in the venue" for the concert and it was NOT air-conditioned. add 300 people to the mix and it starts to smell a little foul. stick those 300 people into an unfortunately small space and "foul" very quickly becomes "rank". but OWL CITY came out and all was well. i looked around during the concert and it was so cool to see everyone having such a wonderful time. music really unites people. i googled "Adam" (Owl City lead singer/ song-writer) on the drive home and discovered he struggles with aspergers disease. people who struggle with aspergers disease have intense difficulty in social situations. and here he is performing for hundreds of people, making us laugh, and helping us feel optimistic about life. he is NOT his disease. that is so inspiring to me.

-new game obsession: SKIP-BO. this game is part of the reason why we went to bed so late last night and have yet to really START the day today. it is so enjoyable. the best part is just sitting across from my EC. we are horrible competitors because we end up putting down cards that will help the other win.

-my current medication is treating me well. i'm on the off-brand for Zoloft (depression medication), and it really helps me to be who i want to be. it doesn't substitute personal effort by any means, but it gets me to the point where i don't feel like i have to climb a mountain, just a stair-case or two. i made the mistake of missing a few days last week. i sunk pretty low pretty quickly. and i started to get these "brain-zaps" which, from reading the withdrawal symptoms online, we found out is "normal" (haha).

-matt and i will be married for exactly one year in 5 days. 5 days. wow. it's been quite the ride. i never realized i could be so completely reliant on one individual. i need him always. without him, i feel like i'm missing a vital limb. maybe even two. he helps me enjoy this journey called life.

happy bird-day matthew.

so last thursday i surprised my sweet husband with a birthday weekend get-away to my grandparents' cabin. i'd been planning this celebration for over a month so i was so anxious to tell him. he was elated. he loves birthdays.

one of the most hilarious parts of the whole weekend was our pre-shopping trip. i told matt he could buy anything he wanted to eat for that weekend (and he likes to eat some pretty weird things folks). it was really good for me to relinquish all control.

matt was a kid in a candy-store. almost literally. he went up and down the isles, choosing the most sugary, fat-filled items you can imagine. we bought things we had never bought before and will probably never buy again in the future. but that's what birthdays are about, right?

...UP AT THE CABIN.

jordan and jessica + pierre and ashley + matt and a VERY scared christine = some fun ATVing action. we went on some ridiculous off-road trails. and by ridiculous i mean extremely dangerous. but it was good, good fun. we came back raunchy as ever with dirt in our teeth (cute) and matted hair. but it was more than worth it i would say.

matt and i played and sung together just like the olden days. it felt so good. his ability to play the exact notes i heard in my head was what first sparked my feelings for him. and, a year later, it still has the same affect.

BOHNANZA! this game has become a new family favorite. we taught Pierre, Jordan, and Jessica how to play, and now they too are obsessed. Pierre and i tied for last place. awesome.

ahhhh.... relaxation. it was so nice to just do nothing. we spent a few hours straight just talking about all sorts of interesting topics:
-what color are you? (the color code by dr. hartman)
-what stresses you out the most?
-what's your favorite cereal?
-if you had $10,000 that you HAD to spend within a few weeks, what would you do with it?

here's the bird-day boy. his "on-the-ball" wife forgot candles so we had him blow out one lowly match (if you can see it).

man, he's cuuuuuuuuuuuute.

looooooooooooook at those marshmallows! we found those guys at walmart and HAD to have them. they were divine, but oh so sticky.

there's the group. minus me of course. we so loved having everyone come up and celebrate matt's birthday. he felt really loved. and cj was a real sport for coming up to hang out with a group full of lovey-dovey couples. what a champion.


SUUUUUUUUUNDAY.
we did nothing besides stick pillows up our clothes (and go to church of course).

poor martha was trying to read while matt and i acted like 4 year olds. but it was too much fun.

something about today.

you know your day is off to a good start when you:

-wake up whenever you feel like it
-eat fruit popsicles for breakfast
-read scriptures while eating popsicles
-spend time really talking with Heavenly Father
-sit and daydream about future plans
-feel hopeful
-cuddle and spoon with your best friend
-shower at noon
-feel ok about your daily plan flying quickly out the window

exploring our planet.

so i babysat a ward members' baby today. little TUCKER. tucker is now walking and seeing the world from a completely new perspective. what an incredible thing to watch.

i took him outside. he was immediately drawn to the trees. he touched the branches and leaves, smiled and then looked at me. sitting on the ground, he dropped his head to eat the grass. he figured out pretty quickly that wasn't the best idea. i just observed him from a distance.

here i am, 24 years old,... trees and grass are kind of old news for me, and for most of us for that matter:) but to this miniature human being, who's lived on this planet just short of a year, everything is new. what an exciting way to live.

the scriptures tell us often to "become as a little child". meek, humble, submissive. yet maybe another characteristic children have that we could work on acquiring is the joy they find in exploration. little children get a kick out of things like grass, bugs, their hands, opening and closing things, etc., etc. maybe it wouldn't hurt to get excited about our everyday lives in a similar way.

it's like the youtube video: "everything's amazing and nobody's happy"
"oh really what happened next?...did you fly through the air incredibly like a bird... did you partake in the miracle of human flight?"
"everybody on every plane should just constantly be going--OH MY GOOOOOSH! WOW!"

we can learn a lot from those little kiddos. life can be just as new, just as exciting, just as adventurous.

how to be happy.

dear friends,

i've discovered the answer to being happy. or rather, GOOGLE has. with just a click of the mouse, one can find "about 105,000,000 results" for "how to be happy". wow,... that was easy.

think again.

if someone came up to you on the street and asked you, "are you happy?" what would be your honest response? my answer would be, "i'm workin' on it". i really am. my sweet husband matt would answer, "definitely, absolutely, for sure". i guess i wouldn't be as confident in answering that way. but i would like more than anything to be at that point. and that's the direction i'm headed in.

i know where the answer can be found without a question: THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST. yet learning how to apply it and reapply it (because unfortunately mistakes are a part of that application process) is a bit tricky. my query, i guess, is learning to enjoy the ride. learning to be happy WHILE experiencing the "downs".

this quote from "Our Search for Happiness" offered some much needed direction:

Although “men are, that they might have joy” (2 Ne. 2:25), this does not mean that our lives will be filled only with joy, “for it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things” (2 Ne. 2:11). Happiness is not given to us in a package that we can just open up and consume. Nobody is ever happy 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Rather than thinking in terms of a day, we perhaps need to snatch happiness in little pieces, learning to recognize the elements of happiness and then treasuring them while they last.

my "elements of happiness":
-hitting a note right on the head while singing
-matt's hairy chin/ whiskers
-driving. windows down. favorite tunes.
-feeling the Spirit warm my heart
-pure service
-finding the perfect talk or scripture
-being in the right place at the right time
-the MTC
-Gloria's Little Italy ravioli with cheese
-sitting and talking in the living room with family
-kisses from my matt
-a productive day
-sister time
-ITALIAN people
-thinking about travel
-quality time with marfa
-meaningful talks with the hubs

President Monson had the right idea: "...find joy in the journey". i think i'll just go ahead and do that.

Homesickness.

"God has a picture of you on His dresser"

mindy gledhill is serenading me as I write. some of my best thinking happens with background music. what do you do while you're thinking? talk to yourself? stare off into space?

my thoughts lately have been about how we are all such a long way from home. by now we're kind of use to it. we've adapted. but at times, don't your heart strings ever ache for home? for me it usually happens when things are just hard, and i'd rather not face it all. though i am not yet a mother, i feel this story well describes how life can be at times:

“As I turned around to walk back home, I could see my house lighted up. I could hear echoes of my children as I had walked out of the door a few minutes earlier. They were saying: ‘Mom, what are we going to have for dinner?’ ‘Can you take me to the library?’ ‘I have to get some poster paper tonight.’ Tired and weary, I looked at that house and saw the light on in each of the rooms. I thought of all of those children who were home waiting for me to come and meet their needs. My burdens felt heavier than I could bear.

“I remember looking through tears toward the sky, and I said, ‘Dear Father, I just can’t do it tonight. I’m too tired. I can’t face it. I can’t go home and take care of all those children alone. Could I just come to You and stay with You for just one night? I’ll come back in the morning.’

“I didn’t really hear the words of reply, but I heard them in my mind. The answer was: ‘No, little one, you can’t come to me now. You would never wish to come back. But I can come to you.’”

it helps me to think about the reason behind it all, behind why He's sent us here in the first place. so very far from what was familiar and comfortable. i love remembering this journey has eternal purposes. one of which is lasting and true happiness. and yet, getting there is no easy feat. but, no worries, our Father has sent back up: the scriptures, the prophets, our families, PRAYER, my goodness the list goes on and on. each of these things is a care package from home.

"Heavenly Father knew the grave dangers we would face on our journey through life, but He remains resolute in His desire to have each and every one of His children return home. Therefore, He gave us time—time to work out our mistakes, time to overcome our sins, time to prepare for reunion."

"Make a mental list of those things you know you ought not to be doing. Stop doing today at least one such thing, and replace it with what you ought to do. Pray to Heavenly Father for forgiveness and for the strength to complete this journey. As you overcome one obstacle and move on to another, I promise that step by step the way will unfold before you until, as the wearied traveler, you are back where you belong."

"There is no spirit but what was pure and holy when it came here from the celestial world. … He is the Father of our spirits; and if we could know, understand, and do His will, every soul would be prepared to return back into His presence. And when they get there, they would see that they had formerly lived there for ages, that they had previously been acquainted with every nook and corner, with the palaces, walks, and gardens; and they would embrace their Father, and He would embrace them and say, ‘My son, my daughter, I have you again;’ and the child would say, ‘O my Father, my Father, I am here again"

i'm living for that reunion. i work hard every day (with a gazillion trillion mistakes in between) for that reunion. and i want to take everyone i love with me. or it just wouldn't be as much fun.

i've arrived.

i have joined the blogging world. this thanks to a few choice people.

first, my sister jessica. jessica johns. i love this woman. i've made it a point to be her copy-cat through life because she's just something else. she knows what it means to be a successful individual-- she's one of those people you can always depend on to "handle it", "it" being absolutely anything. she's got so many things figured out, something i highly admire and seek after.

second, my good friend and new found inspiration, stephanie nielson. ok so she doesn't really know i exist, but i like to think we are bff's. she's changed my life one blog post at a time and that makes her pretty special.

third, my martha friend. MARFA. she.... well, she's my best eternal friend and we're meant to be together. period. our friendship just works and we never have to apologize for just being who we are. it is oh so nice.

so, essentially these three wonderful women have blogs, i want to be like them, and so here i am... HELLO.


So this is my husband and I in front of our first apartment. maha, kidding. but size wise it's not much of a stretch. we always joke that we can stand in the middle of our apartment and be standing in all the rooms at once. while eating dinner at the kitchen table, my matt can grab me something to drink from the fridge without getting up. this time of life is a kick though. we all have to go through it so we might as well have a ball.

my matt is quite the guy. here are some of his extraordinary qualities that make me oh so happy:

*his chisseled jaw-- i'm obsessed.
*his talent for anything he does. and his patience for that learning curve time period.
*his superhuman ability to down obscene amounts of food. we've decided he has hollow legs.
*his goodness and understanding for ME and all my shenanigans.