Trimester Number Two.

After a few months of the sickies, Matt and I discovered a wonder drug for nausea: Zofran. I don’t know how I ever lived without it. This medication allowed me to have an enjoyable Christmas break with my sweet family, as well as make it through my student teaching Winter semester. I love modern medicine.

The second trimester brought on its own set of interesting happenings within me. Heartburn, constipation, and lower back pain-- all of which I would take any day over feeling nauseous. As my stomach grew, I started to realize that I really was pregnant, not just sickly. I had a little person growing inside me, counting on me to provide the best possible living space.

Early on in my pregnancy, Matt and I both “had a feeling” our little one was a girl. I started to believe this was mother’s intuition. Matt and I both became so convinced, the only names we thought of were girl names. We both about died laughing when our ultrasound lady pointed to our son’s perfectly formed wee-wee and said, “Do you guys know what this is?” Hilarious. It took a while to change our thinking from pink to blue, but now that it’s been months since the news, it feels only natural that our baby is a boy, and that it was always supposed to be that way.

The ultrasound lady told me that I should be feeling the baby kick any day now. In the days following, I thought I would feel something here and there but I wasn’t sure. After about a week, I started to recognize what was indubitably the movement of our baby boy. He is super active, changing positions what feels like every hour. He likes to pretend mom’s bladder is a trampoline, something that I especially appreciate when I am in no way near a bathroom. He also loves to hear Matt’s voice. Matt puts his face up to my tummy and talks to our little guy often. When he does so, baby boy taps against his nose like he’s sending morse code through the uterine wall. Matt tells him to be nice to me that day, to “have fun in there”, to grow big and strong, and that we miss him.

I’m getting to that point. Both Matt and I are. We feel like this baby is really ours, and always was. Because of that, we just want him here already. We miss him.

Trimester Number One.

My first trimester is a blur to me now. But while I was in it, I truly felt that it was the most difficult thing I had ever experienced up to that point in my life. The sickness hit me pretty early and pretty hard. You hear growing up that when you’re pregnant, you feel “nauseous”. Before becoming pregnant I related this to times in my life when I felt nauseous, and then occasionally vomited. I thought to myself, “Yeah, it’s no fun, but it’s definitely bearable”. What I hadn’t really prepared for was how constant and relentless the nausea was. I was nauseous from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed (I was sure to take some hefty sleeping pills to ensure I could sleep through the nausea and get a good night’s rest regardless). Vomiting a few times a day came as an incredible relief.

Being flat in bed, there were few positions that helped tame the nausea. Even the slightest movement sometimes would aggravate my stomach. Eating was such a chore. I knew I needed to eat (yano, to live), but finding something that didn’t make me gag just thinking about it was difficult and sometimes impossible. Mealtime went a little like this:

1. Matt would suggest a number of options to me.
2. I would go through each option, imagining what that food item would taste like sliding down my throat (that process usually narrowed my options quite a bit).
3. After deciding what to eat, Matt would either prepare it, buy it, or get it through the drive through.
4. Finally, the true test came: Would the smell of it all be too much for me?

I was in school during this period. I was in a classroom setting from Monday-Wednesday all day, then Thursday & Friday I had classes. I would get up in the mornings and take a shower. Most mornings I didn’t have the strength to stand so I would sit in the tub. Matt would help me shower on really, really rough days. I didn’t wear makeup, and I couldn’t even tell you what I wore during those few months. I looked like death, which worked out because I felt like death as well.

Everyday, when I came home and went straight to bed, I just lay there in bed thinking, “What am I doing wrong?”... “Isn’t this supposed to be the happiest period of my married life?”... “I know so many wonderful people who would die to be pregnant, why can’t I be more happy about all of this?” I would complain in my mind or out loud and then feel horribly guilty afterward. I didn’t feel like a strong, capable woman at all. I felt so weak and useless. I felt ungrateful and unworthy of this wonderful blessing. And I was scared to death of feeling sick for nine months straight. I didn’t feel that I would be able to handle it all if that were to be the case.

Positive as can be.

I decided to listen this time around. I had my answer, and whether or not it made complete sense to me was irrelevant. I’ve seen over and over and over again how turning my life over to my Father in Heaven is really the smartest way to go. He can make more of my life than I can.

Matt and I were blessed beyond blessed to get pregnant right away. As I’ve become more aware of all those around me, I now more fully realize what a miracle this really is. There are countless women everywhere, more deserving and desirous, that are unable to experience this blessing.

I had taken a few pregnancy tests throughout the week because I “had a feeling”. All of them came out negative. I decided to give it one more go later on in the week-- after all, there was one test left. I took the test. When I saw the positive sign, I was in complete shock. Matt and I were thrilled. We shared a special moment together as we contemplated briefly what this meant for our lives. Of course, we had absolutely no idea what was ahead of us, but we felt an over surging joy that we will never forget.

I called my parents immediately. I’m the worst at keeping secrets. They were asleep (it was close to midnight their time). My dad answered the phone about 7 rings in. He was completely out of it, but I blurted the news to him anyway. He handed the phone to my mom (also very out of it), and I shared with her the exciting news.

I kind of floated around for the next few days. I couldn’t sleep. I woke up constantly, feeling my stomach, and trying to remember whether or not this was reality or just a dream. It’s funny to think of both Matt and I then. We were and still are so very clueless. In so many ways, I feel like I’m still a kid and that having a baby is only what grown-ups do. Then I remember I’m there. I’m a grown-up. I’m at that point. And I’m having a baby.

Crabbies to Comfort.

GOD'S THREE ANSWERS TO YOUR PRAYERS:
1. Yes.
2. Not yet.
3. I have something better in mind.

During my case of the crabbies, I turned to Matt for help. He’s got this very calm, wise way about him. I’m always put at ease by the sound of his voice and by the counsel he gives. We had an ongoing discussion for probably about a week, trying to figure out what was next for us.

My thoughts on starting a family had always been thus: Accomplish those things you can only do as a couple first because afterward it would be difficult to find the time and money and, if you’re old by that point, the strength. So my mindset was that if this Africa, or Italy, or China trip didn’t happen NOW... it wouldn’t ever happen. And, I have had such strong feelings that my work in some of these countries is not yet finished. So logically, how could it work to change the order of it all?

The following are some notes from a family counsel Matt and I shared together during this time of decision-making (It was written by Matt, hence the correct grammar and large word usage):

In light of our recent thoughts and ideas about the timing of our life’s events (specifically service abroad versus beginning our little family) Christine and I decided to sit down and talk about it and pray about it. After beginning with prayer, we did our best to search it out in our minds before taking a decision to the Lord. We both prayed individually about the decisions we had come up with in our own minds. We felt that though both desires were good and righteous, and that either course of action would have been acceptable to the Lord, the course of action more closely aligned with the Lord’s will was that we begin our family immediately. Stating that decision out loud invited the Spirit so strongly that tears came to our eyes. We know that if the Lord would have us serve His children abroad, He will provide such opportunities. For now, we will move forward with obeying the commandment “to multiply and replenish the earth,” trusting that the Lord will make known to us joys and blessings that we can’t even yet fully comprehend. We are excited to start this new chapter of our lives. We know that this is the path that we are to be on!

So that was that. We had decided!.... And yet, unfortunately, I wavered quite a bit. I had a hard time with the decision. Faith is a difficult principle for me-- I’ll be the first to admit it. I tend to second-guess some of the answers/ feelings I get, and I wish I didn’t. But, going into the October 2011 Conference, I planned to receive that final confirmation. I knew that I needed it. The Lord knew that I needed it. And He gave it to me here.

Search, Ponder, Pray, Repeat.

I have returned.

After months and months of absence, I’m finally back to talk about what I’ve been up to. And boy has it been something. Let’s see... where to begin... I’ll start in late Summer, early Fall semester 2011. Matt and I had begun talking about what we would “do” when I graduated. We figured with my being done with school, and him taking off Spring and Summer semester, we could kind of escape Provo for a few months. I imagined Summer 2012 being this magical time where Matt and I would meander off into the world and share experiences together that would prepare us even more so for our future life.

Daily, almost hourly, my mind was filled with thoughts of traveling abroad to Africa..... to China.... to Italy.... to South America!! AHHHHH!!! I daydreamed about the people we would meet, the things we would do to make a difference in their lives, and the lessons that we would learn from them while doing so. Every spare minute was spent glued to the computer screen, researching programs that sent married couples abroad at a small expense (yeah, there aren’t many). It was an exciting time for me because I truly felt like this was the next step for Matt and I.

I was 100% driven (and I’m kind of scary when I get like that). I was determined to make a plan and nothing was getting in my way. Since college, I’ve had this inner push to do things that will matter, to do things that are important and meaningful not only for myself but for those around me as well. I felt that this push combined with some serious prayer and contemplation would lead me to the perfect program.

And yet it didn’t really go that way at all. It didn’t really go anywhere. It went kind of like this: I found a program, prayed about it, felt pretty good, and started moving forward. And then it fell through. So, I chose another program in another country, prayed about it, felt pretty good, and started moving forward. That fell through as well. This happened at least two more times before I started to feel some serious frustration with the matter. I was going about this decision in the same way I had gone about all the big decisions up to that point in my life. Making a choice. Praying about it. Moving forward, etc. But, I wasn’t experiencing what I was used to experiencing. Things kept falling through. I was confused about the whole thing. Upset, even, that something that could be so influential and wonderful, didn’t seem to be in the plan afterall. HIS plan, that is.

I ached to go abroad again. Since my mission, Africa has been this dream land for me. I met and taught a number of African people on my mission and the connection I felt with them was so powerful, I knew I wanted to be there, with them... somehow. Remembering that feeling, and then having this perfect time slot, and the perfect program in front of me... and then having all of it fall through was so disheartening. I had a hard time with it. I didn’t understand what Heavenly Father was trying to tell me. And worst of all, I didn’t have a PLAN. Urgh, I hate not having a plan. I knew He knew how it would all go down eventually, but I also knew Heavenly Father’s timing was not my own so I had no idea when He would let me in on it all. So yes, I’ll be honest, sometimes I gave Him the silent treatment because of it (I’m sure He’s somewhat used to that though, He’s got a lot of daughters).

george is a saint.

party hardy--- was what we did in st. george.

matt and i spent 4 1/2 days up in st. george as a, "yay you finished summer term!" celebration. martha, bradley, and cj joined us for a day and a half. and the rest of the time, matt and i just...

R . E . L . A . X . E . D

george, we appreciate you. more than you know. you truly are A SAINT...

service: the best exercise for the heart ever prescribed.

my mission gave me an incredible insight into MYSELF.

I AM HAPPIEST WHEN I'M SERVING.

the opposite can be said if i'm spending a little too much time thinking about ME, i'm just NOT very happy.

my Father in Heaven has blessed me to be "feeling myself" again lately. i'm so blessed. which only means one thing: time to give back.

one thing i've learned about Heavenly Father is that he honors righteous desires. when i pray to have opportunities to serve, i have them. ALWAYS.

a couple of weeks ago i was blessed with an experience that made me feel like a missionary again. and i loved it.

matt and i went to the BYU post office to mail a package. when we arrived, we noticed the door was closed and locked-- bummer. in looking around, we saw a lady waiting near the doors and we decided to ask her if she knew when the post office would be open again. she didn't know either. but we got to talking...


i asked her, "where are you sending your package?". "to the MTC", she said. "oh how neat! do you have a missionary there?"... "yes, my son". "oh how wonderful-- where's he going to serve?".... the conversation continued. we soon learned that this woman had traveled from Salt Lake to send her missionary son a package of fresh bread and nutella. she kept telling us, "he's been wanting this for so long!". she was the epitome of a proud missionary mom. she talked to us about all that he was learning and how much his testimony had grown. and her bread and nutella was her "i love you" to him before he headed out into the mission field a few days later. the BYU post office was her only bet in getting it to him before the bread went bad. and it was closed. and he was leaving in 2 days for the mission field.

do you ever have the feeling that you are exactly where Heavenly Father wants you to be, and there's a reason for it? i LOVE that feeling. i LIVE for that feeling. it's a feeling i had daily in the mission field and one that i feel i've had to work even harder for since being home. but it comes when we pray... we tell Heavenly Father we want to help HIM, and you better believe He's all about it.

so we start to brainstorm. me, matt, and sister Paéz. the only information she had about her son was his mailbox number and his departure date. our situation was that even if i were able to sneak the bread/ nutella in, how in the world would I find him? he was learning spanish so i thought i'd call Bradley to see if he had any idea where we could find Elder Paez. Of all the spanish districts and zones, Elder Paez just happened (haha) to be in Bradley's teaching zone. so the impossible all of a sudden became possible. matt and i took the package from her and planned to have Bradley pick it up and take it to the MTC with him that night and deliver it to Elder Paez.

the cherry on top of this experience was Sister Paez' reaction when it all worked out. with tears in her eyes and after 15 thank you's and 5 hugs, she gave matt and i some of the sweetest marriage advice i've ever heard... "be careful.... and stay together".
Heavenly Father is a master at multi-tasking. He leads his children into each other's paths and makes it so that each party is blessed, made happier and lighter, and leaves with an increased knowledge of His love for THE ONE.