Search, Ponder, Pray, Repeat.

I have returned.

After months and months of absence, I’m finally back to talk about what I’ve been up to. And boy has it been something. Let’s see... where to begin... I’ll start in late Summer, early Fall semester 2011. Matt and I had begun talking about what we would “do” when I graduated. We figured with my being done with school, and him taking off Spring and Summer semester, we could kind of escape Provo for a few months. I imagined Summer 2012 being this magical time where Matt and I would meander off into the world and share experiences together that would prepare us even more so for our future life.

Daily, almost hourly, my mind was filled with thoughts of traveling abroad to Africa..... to China.... to Italy.... to South America!! AHHHHH!!! I daydreamed about the people we would meet, the things we would do to make a difference in their lives, and the lessons that we would learn from them while doing so. Every spare minute was spent glued to the computer screen, researching programs that sent married couples abroad at a small expense (yeah, there aren’t many). It was an exciting time for me because I truly felt like this was the next step for Matt and I.

I was 100% driven (and I’m kind of scary when I get like that). I was determined to make a plan and nothing was getting in my way. Since college, I’ve had this inner push to do things that will matter, to do things that are important and meaningful not only for myself but for those around me as well. I felt that this push combined with some serious prayer and contemplation would lead me to the perfect program.

And yet it didn’t really go that way at all. It didn’t really go anywhere. It went kind of like this: I found a program, prayed about it, felt pretty good, and started moving forward. And then it fell through. So, I chose another program in another country, prayed about it, felt pretty good, and started moving forward. That fell through as well. This happened at least two more times before I started to feel some serious frustration with the matter. I was going about this decision in the same way I had gone about all the big decisions up to that point in my life. Making a choice. Praying about it. Moving forward, etc. But, I wasn’t experiencing what I was used to experiencing. Things kept falling through. I was confused about the whole thing. Upset, even, that something that could be so influential and wonderful, didn’t seem to be in the plan afterall. HIS plan, that is.

I ached to go abroad again. Since my mission, Africa has been this dream land for me. I met and taught a number of African people on my mission and the connection I felt with them was so powerful, I knew I wanted to be there, with them... somehow. Remembering that feeling, and then having this perfect time slot, and the perfect program in front of me... and then having all of it fall through was so disheartening. I had a hard time with it. I didn’t understand what Heavenly Father was trying to tell me. And worst of all, I didn’t have a PLAN. Urgh, I hate not having a plan. I knew He knew how it would all go down eventually, but I also knew Heavenly Father’s timing was not my own so I had no idea when He would let me in on it all. So yes, I’ll be honest, sometimes I gave Him the silent treatment because of it (I’m sure He’s somewhat used to that though, He’s got a lot of daughters).